Approximately six years ago I had recently moved back to Atlanta from college. I was living the ultimate “post-grad” life: completely and utterly unsure of what I wanted in life and even more unsure of who I was. The dream, right? In conjunction with this uncertainty, I, like many others in similar situations, was suffering from nearly crippling anxiety. I worked very hard not to show what was going on to the outside world, but inside...I was a ticking time bomb.
One day, my mom and sister-in-law invited me to go to yoga with them. As a former gymnast, I was excited. Maybe it meant that I could bend myself into a bunch of the more advanced poses and everyone would be impressed. This was the mindset I had because remember, I was lost. I needed validation. I had crippling anxiety and I needed to keep that secret from everyone by making others feel like I had it all together.
This worked...temporarily. I would attend class and for just a few moments, I would feel like I had my life together because I could easily bend into poses that even longtime practitioners couldn’t. Still, nothing changed for me off the mat. My anxiety was still looming, and I still felt incredibly lost.
I kept going back, though. Something about the practice... the rhythm of it...the deepness of it, felt like it was what I needed. Over time, something did change. It wasn’t some big moment or a magical statement that an instructor made in class or anything like that. It was more like, over time, every time I got on my mat, my inner critic became a little quieter and my ears became a little more open to hearing what my body and soul really needed. I became less and less concerned about “showing off” in class and became more in-tune with how each pose felt in my body and what it could offer me. My anxiety began to decrease, and what yoga began to provide me with was the idea of acceptance for what is, rather than what might be.
This was life-changing for me. It provided me with a sense of freedom that I really had never known. It allowed me to see that what I do in this life does not have to be decided or known right now. I can achieve what I desire to achieve in life by trusting, accepting, and finding joy in moments as they happen.
Yoga isn’t all about bending and standing on your head. Yoga is about showing up on your mat and being open to learning what the practice has to show you about yourself.
Stay Gold,
Erin aka Lucy
